Clean

You know, Taylor Swift might not be my favorite person, but her music always hits home. And yes, it’s quite a ‘basic white girl’ thing to say. But really, IDGAF, because it’s true.

I was driving from across town to go get my nails did with my future sis and it was raining and it was just such a nasty Monday. But on the inside, I felt dope, because I had just had a major breakthrough with why I am the way I am, and why I react certain ways and all that jazz.

So the rain was pouring, maybe not pouring, but my windshield wipers were doing work. And then the song Clean by Taylor Swift comes on. And I don’t know how many people are really aware of this song, but it’s all about addiction. Hers is in the form of a male specimen, I think Harry Styles – and let’s be honest, who wouldn’t get addicted to him? hsBut that’s not the point.

I, myself, have an addictive personality, I get hooked on things very easily. If it offers any sort of benefit for myself or for others, I will continuously make sure whatever it is keeps happening because for some reason, I’m wired like that. I think most people would identify as an addictive personality type, of all different levels.

But her song uses different metaphors, ranging from water to alcohol. And the alcohol references are easily understood because sometimes a person can give you the same feeling as alcohol or drugs. I’m not really in tune with how many people have made the link between alcohol and people addictions in songs, but it’s dope.

However, the best and most apparent theme throughout the song is water. She talks about being clean, and you need water to get dirt off. She talks about drowning, and my God, I know what it feels like to drown inside of yourself, to drown and just give up that feeling of trying to save whatever it is you’re addicted to.

It took her 10 months to get where she is, 10 months to get clean, sober from her addiction, and that’s terrifying. As a person who always wants to get things done as quick as possible, it is so frustrating when people tell me, “It’ll take time.” Because can time just speed up???

But every day is a fight. Every day is a day to make a decision of whether to cave or whether to stay strong like a fighter you should be.

Some of my favorite lines from the songs:

  • “The drought was the very worst. When the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst.” 
  • “When I was drowning, that’s when I could finally breathe.”
  • “Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you.”
  • “You’re still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore.”

Check out the song, it’s great : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2Hfiujc_1c

Messy

A lesson learned always comes at a price, doesn’t it? I’m young but I’ve learned a lot of lessons. And boy, they’ve burned me, cut me, drowned me and beat me to a pulp.

Today my lesson came with the price of tears, guilt, and a re-broken heart. I built up this idea in my head, a beautiful picture, one that I could never paint with a brush. And one that could most-likely never become a reality, but boy I tricked myself. I felt with my heart instead of my head. I felt something and capitalized on something I knew would bring me immediate comfort.

But how unhealthy was that? On a scale of a cold to the Bubonic Plague, nearing the B.P. and I knew that somewhere inside of my body, and so did my friends, that knew, and they warned me against it. But, I couldn’t listen. I had to listen to what my heart needed, the feeling of being loved, wanted.

Well, why would I go to an unhealthy source for that when I have plenty of healthy choices around me, and I’m trying to bring myself that love. But I can’t bring myself to that level. I can’t get there quite yet. And I wasn’t getting close to the top of the mountain, I wasn’t even midway, but I was up a little bit, creeping into that feeling that, “Hey, maybe I’m something I can love.”

Now I fell. I fell onto the ground and my breath is gone. Tears are streaming down my face, dirt all over, and I’m just thinking, “WHY COULDN’T I HOLD ON?” And now I’m mad at myself for that and for everything else I’ve done in my life wrong. So it’s just a mess down here.

But I am used to messes, so maybe I can clean this one up with no problem..? Maybe, but probably not.

 

 

Headed to a mountain

I’ve got a nervous feeling in my stomach. I woke up this morning with this horrible feeling. I feel like something is wrong and I feel like I’ve messed something up. And as a “diagnosed” perfectionist, this feeling is unpleasant, and I’m getting anxiety from trying figure out where this feeling is coming from and how to fix it and make it go away.

There’s always the possibility that I’m starving and that’s why my stomach feels so bad, probably a little factor.

I’m wondering if I’ve ruined relationships with people I care about so deeply, in a way that they don’t even know that I have yet. Because I’m working on myself, but what led me to needing that? (And yes, everyone should always work on themselves) My dependency on relationships with guys, family, my own little pup, the ideas of the future – all led me to figuring out that I needed to get help.

I’ve always told people I’m independent, and I am in regards to some things, like I can go places on my own and not feel weird and I can do my work without having to ask for help, but I’m not independent when it comes to my own emotions and happiness.

There’s no way to be completely immune to the people you love the most, no way to completely disregard how they feel and not let it affect you. But that’s not really what I’m talking about. It’s more, like a Dementor trying to suck happiness from someone else.

And my gosh, that doesn’t sound like it’s fun or healthy for anyone, yet I continue on. But I’m stopping that. Which is something I find challenging. They tell you to distract yourself, yet feel what you feel. How do I do that? Why would I do that. I’ve always felt everything in every part of my body and that could very well be why I depended on things, because then I could feel what they were feeling instead of whatever I was feeling.

So now I’m picturing myself on the top of a mountain and just standing there, eventually sitting because I’m lazy, and not thinking about anything except exactly what is inside of me. And that sounds so selfish to me, but it’s what I need to do. Go up there, and think, Meg, think! Feel what you feel, stop questioning if it’s going to be alright, stop waiting on a text and a call to feel better, and most of all, don’t think that you need someone to tell you that it’s going to be okay.

Just know it. And I want that more than anything, I don’t want to reach out to someone and ask them to reassure me that everything is okay and they love me. That’s unfair for them and for myself. If I get in a tough situation, I need to think about how I’m smart, I am scrappy, I’ll be able to figure this out.

And I’m not there yet, but I want to be so badly that maybe the desire is getting in the way of actually getting to that goal. I’m gonna go to a mountain now, have a lovely day people.

P.S. The song Dive by Ed Sheeran is very, very good. Highly recommend a listen.

“And I could live, I could die hanging on the words you say and I’ve been known to give my all and jumping in harder than ten thousand rocks on the lake.”

Why you got to love yourself?

meg
My first real smile in months

Today I focused in on the whys, which was enlightening and frustrating and confusing and really all those words that mean “asfjaklsdjfkls,” you know what I mean, smart internet person.

But why do we have to love ourselves? 

Well, because sometimes no one else will give you the love you need. As much as we want to believe and we’re told by ‘grown ups’ that it takes a village and people that your parents will love you no matter what, it might not be true. I mean, I know for a fact that my parents will love me unconditionally forever, but some parents won’t. That’s sad, but it’s something you must deal with if that happens to be your case. That’s what I was told today, “You probably didn’t get the love you needed when you were a little girl.” Well, I didn’t want to be rude, but I was thinking noooope, that’s not me.

So then, why do need to love myself?

There’s a lot of reasons and one of the most simple is the idea that you cannot love someone else if you haven’t learned to love yourself. That’s the one that stuck out to me, but now that puts pressure to love myself so that then I can love someone else and all that. So I’m ignoring that one.

So I need to love myself so that I don’t rely on others. I need to be able to give myself the reassurance, the confidence and the love so that I can become the successful woman of my dreams.

I need to love myself because I can. Because it’s worth loving who you are to be able to walk out into the world and be your own best friend. You tell a joke, no one laughs, but you do and that’s literally all you need. I mean, that’s not how I feel right now, but I strive towards that.

Woman of my dreams..

That sounds kinda weird doesn’t it? Like I’m looking for some woman in a romantic way. Well, that’s not what I mean. I mean me. I’m looking to become the woman of my dreams who is going to kick ass in every part of the world that I want.

I want to be the mom to my children (that I thankfully don’t have yet) who will give them so much love and so much confidence that they’ll be adored. And hopefully I’ll be with a man who shows me the love that I need and will therefore show them what love looks like and that they deserve nothing but the best.

But I cannot do any of that without loving myself. So the journey began a little bit ago, and I’m smiling a bit, but I want to smile some more.

A Pain in the

Today I encountered people with some extreme adversities; a loss of a son, loss of a spouse, loss of two children, early-life neglect, really anything you can think of – I heard it. It was a lot to take in, and I just sat and listened with two wide eyes that kept filling with tears.

Pain is hard. Pain is something every single person in this world has experienced. Some have experienced more, some have experienced different levels, but everyone has felt it. And while it often tears people apart, from the inside out, these people I’ve met are letting it bond them together.

They’re like, yeah life sucks and I’ve been burned over and over again, but I want to do something about it and I don’t want to feel so alone. And if that’s not inspiring to you, you must be a robot.

Beep Boop Boop. Feeling pain is not pleasant, it’s uncomfortable. And letting others know you’re in pain and you’re constantly pressured by yourself to be out of pain or to be happy or just functional, it’s awkward. It’s like wearing thong. It’s under your clothes, and you can’t even see it (which is really the point, amiright??) but it’s there and yes it sometimes hurts like hell but you’re not gonna show that pain because you’re a hot lady who doesn’t have panty lines.

I know, I’ve been there, both in the emotional pain and the thong pain. And if you try and tell someone you’re feeling this way, they usually feel uncomfortable and ask you to either leave them out of it or take care of it and get back to them.

Well, that’s why it’s different with these new friends I’ve found. They’re in pain, they acknowledge it, and they share how they feel about it. They share why they feel like they do. And they even (GET THIS) ask how I feel about my pain and what caused it and why I feel the way I do about the pain.

These people are jewels. But they shouldn’t be. Everyone in this entire world feels pain and pushes it far away so they can focus on something that they’d rather zoom in on. Well, that can work for awhile, but eventually you’ll become a big, unhappy sack of pain. That’s not cute, not that I’ve seen an actual image, but I’m going to assure you with 99.999% certainty it’s not cute.

I’m not trying to start a movement to scream out in pain, but I’m just asking that next time you’re in pain, and I mean emotionally, you tell someone, even if it’s your own self, and say why you feel like that. Because you might feel alone, you might feel like you’re too young to be in as much pain as you’re in, you’re too good to feel this pain, you’re too smart and driven to feel this pain. This pain is going to halt your plans, you can’t deal with it now!

Well, either deal with it now or deal with it later. This really isn’t one of those assignments where the teacher says, “Do not wait until the night before to start this.” It’s just a warning, a warning that you most likely have felt pain lately (and it might’ve been small) and you might not have processed exactly why you felt what you did.

But you shouldn’t be scared, you should just be. You should just be how you are, experiencing every day, the feelings of it all and maybe not psychoanalyzing those feelings, but definitely acknowledging that you did feel that way.

Yeah, I learned a lot today. Mostly, I’m in pain and so is everyone else in some way, but we got to let ourselves deal with it instead of shoving it under the bed again.

The songs that have (accidentally) become my angry anthems

Angry songs, funny songs, mean songs, revenge songs, all kinds of songs…

I looked up a silly thing tonight when I was bored and wanted to listen to some music that wouldn’t make me cry (lol). But this website introduced me to some songs and I just thought I’d share my thoughts on the songs and the lines that stuck out to me.

Update on this: It turns out there’s a lot more songs out there than I thought so that means there’s a lot of people who have been hurt – which is sad – but it helps everyone feel a little less alone.

Remember 2 Forget – Murs

“And quit telling me I’m the best you’ve ever had. I  knew that then I know that now. But once you upgrade you can’t go back down.”

This song was new to me, I hadn’t ever heard it, and I’m so glad I got a chance to listen to it because it’s not one I’d normally listen to but it’s one I see myself jamming to when I get lonely and down. The line I chose up above just stuck out because, well, I’m getting my self-confidence back and, well, I don’t know maybe just listen to the song 😉

Cry Me a River – Justin Timberlake

“You told me you loved me, why did you leave me, all alone?”

This is one that is sad, like JT obviously still has feelings for whoever he’s singing about and while I’m kind of in limbo between having them and feeling nothing, I can relate to it a little. I feel like it’s more relatable and tear-jerking when the wound is fresher, but it’s still a good tune.

Hate (I Really Don’t Like You) – Plain White T’s

“Hate is a strong word. But I really, really, really don’t like you. And now that it’s over
I don’t even know what I liked about you.” “Brought you around. And you just brought me down.”

This song is really really really angry. And I’m not really that angry anymore, I’m just like, yo you suck why’d I stay? But there are lines that are me, like the ones up there, but the rest is just angry and it makes me laugh a little bit – so that’s always a plus.

Another website helped me out too 😉 Kinda got into this idea a lot, so shout out to this site, too. 

Shout Out to My Ex – Little Mix

“Shout out to my ex, you’re really quite the man. You made my heart break and that made me who I am. Here’s to my ex, hey, look at me now. Well, I, I’m all the way up. I swear you’ll never bring me down.”

This one is pretty self-explanatory. I mean, yeah, thanks for breaking my heart because now I can become awesome.

Little bonus about this song is that it’s by Little Mix, and Perrie Edwards, Zayn Malik’s ex-fiancee, is in the band. She got to stick it to him and perform it live in front of him and even had the balls to wave at him. Here’s the moment. 

Ugly Heart – G.R.L.

“I wonder does it stop your heart to know, you’re not my sunshine anymore?” 

I’ve loved this song for a long time, and it applies to more than one person in my past, but I think this line stuck out to me mostly because I let someone else be my sunshine instead of bringing my own happiness to the table.

Since U Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson

“How can I put it? You put me on, I even fell for that stupid love song.” 

While the entirety of this song doesn’t apply to my anger/distress/whatever ya wanna call it, I do feel like I played myself .

Love Yourself – Justin Bieber

*Just a note on this one* This song played out of my music on my phone, and my God it’s just really hitting home. Yeah, I know it’s old, overplayed and stuff, but I like it.

My Happy Ending – Avril Lavigne

“You were all the things I thought I knew, and all I thought we could be. You were everything, everything that I wanted. We were meant to be, supposed to be but we lost it.”

Throwing it on back. But yeah, I definitely thought this was it. And I was wrong and there’s not a happy ending for us together, but hopefully there’s one for both of us separately.

Somebody That I Used To Know – Gotye

“Told myself that you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company.” “You could be addicted to a certain kind of sadness.” 

For obvious reasons, when you’re in the type of relationship I was in, you do feel lonely, and it’s addicting and now that it’s over and people are like duh you idiot, you just feel stupid.

This song is kind of full of lyrics that apply to me, so here’s some more: “Had me believing it was always something that I’d done. But I don’t want to live that way, reading into every word you say.” 

And the big one: “You said you could let it go.” And you never did, nor would you ever.

Smile – Lily Allen

“I was so lost back then, but with a little help from my friends I found the light in the tunnel at the end.” 

Shout out to friends, cause they’re the best. I’m not a huge fan of this song overall, but it’s definitely got some great lines in there that make it worth listening to.

Those are the songs that I’ve found so far, might update later, but for now I feel confident that I can listen to these without crying and feeling crappy about myself. Music is a truly wonderful thing :’)

A Whole New World

Today I was talking to my doc, telling him about my progress, which he seemed pretty happy with. I’m fine with my progress, I’m not thrilled or anything, but that’s just because I probably won’t be thrilled with anything for a little while. But being fine with it is actually a pretty big step for me right now.

He asked me how much I’ve cried lately, and I told him I wasn’t even sure when the last time I cried was. The weird thing is: I’ve been laughing. I’ve been driving, I’ve been going to stores and just checking things out. I’m by myself, but I don’t feel as alone as I did before.

I’m eager to have conversations, I want to talk to people. I haven’t felt that in a long time and it excited me. I told my doc that I was planning on hanging out with some friends and how I was focusing on on nurturing friendships more because I’m not really interested in trying to start a relationship or even crushing on anyone at the moment. He said, “Goooood.”

Well, I mean sure Ryan Gosling is adoooorable, but that’s not really something I can actually act on. And I told him how a few people have suggested a rebound, but the thing is, I don’t really want one. And what’s weird is I don’t feel like I need a relationship anymore, like I did a week or two ago. He asked if I missed the relationship, and I said, “I think I miss someone telling me I’m pretty or making me feel special, but that’s about it.” He said that’s normal, everyone wants that, but that sometimes getting that feeling isn’t worth all the emotional stress that comes along with it.

I’m excited to get to know me again. I’m excited to be happy from within myself and find the sunshine that used to pour out of me. I’ve been cloudy for awhile, a little like Eeyore, but I can’t wait to be the girl that people used to describe as: always smiling, always laughing, so easy to talk to, etc. I want to be that girl again, because that’s who I am.

It’s just not who I am now. It’ll take time and work to get back to that place, but I definitely think that’s what I’m most excited for right now. I’m excited to let people into my life that will be able to rid the clouds bits by bits and bring out the old, happy me.

Apparently I have “wounded bird syndrome,” which is where you are seeing someone who has some troubles and they bring out the issues in your own self. So, I definitely would like to be cured of that, and while I’m excited to be able to choose someone who isn’t wounded or bad for me, it’s not time.

I’m excited now for me. I’m excited to get the sunshine out, to create a whole new world for myself – hence the title of this post hehe – and just embrace every single day as a chance to bring joy to others and myself.

“Here comes the sun, (doo doo doo doo…)” – Beatles

To all my friends

Hello,

It’s been awhile, hasn’t it? I’m sure you’ve noticed I started reaching out to you all in the past couple of weeks, and you were probably thinking something either like, “Woah, she’s still alive??” or maybe, “What the hell does she want?” and that’s understandable.

I went away, I went on a little journey where I kind of left all of you behind. I left my best friend’s text go unanswered, her Facetime went unavailable, and I just refused to hang out with anyone but, yeah you know who.

But now, I’m saying sorry. I’m sorry for not hanging out with you, I’m sorry for not being there for you when you needed me, whether you had a rough week of schoolwork, a close family friend passed away, or you just had boy-troubles, I probably gave you a two-minute long conversation about trying to make you feel better and trying to get you moved on to a different person.

Well, that was crap. That was not what a decent friend does. And what do I want to be of all the things in this world? A good friend. I want to be the friend that you go to when you feel sad and you need cheering up, or when you need to vent.

I know how important venting is, especially for girls. Venting about classes, venting about boys, venting about really anything that is bothering us, it’s part of life. And I didn’t let you do it. I tried to shut you up, I stood there with a judgmental look and an obviously dismissive vibe.

It wasn’t right. And I’m so sorry. Because every single one of my friends that I’ve ever considered my close friend has been there to call and there to text when I really needed it. And that’s coming even clearer now. Because even though I’ve been gone and unreachable for six months, I can call one of you and you’ll answer the phone.

That’s lucky to me, because I don’t deserve that. But I want to be there for you like you were there for me. I’ve lost six months time, I’ve been no good at answering your calls, no good at accepting dinner or lunch invitations, and God knows I never reached out to you to hang out.

 

I should’ve realized you all were better to be around and healthier for me than that. I should’ve given you the time of day, the time of night, really any time at all. And for not giving you that, I’m truly sorry.

Now my schedules wide open for you, my heart is too. I’m letting you in if you let me back in, it’s been awhile, but it’s my job to be a good friend now, just like you were to me when I wouldn’t let you be.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑