Liability

I’ve always connected with Lorde on a different level than other artists, it may be because she’s around my age, has dark hair? No, I think it goes a little deeper than that. She seems to get caught up in things like I do.

I’ve been looking forward to her new album coming out, but I didn’t even realize it was out until I heard her voice coming through my speaker on the Top 50 Chart. That song was Green Light, and it was good. But then I went to her page, and saw that Liability was up and I haven’t heard that yet.

I had a Holy blank moment. Because Lorde must’ve been watching me and observing my brain. Every single line. Every single line hit home. I haven’t connected to a song on every single level like I connected to this one. And now I have in on replay, blasting in my ear. I know a professional would say that’s stupid, that it’s not a good idea to listen to a song that makes you cry over over again.

But screw it. Because it made me feel something. And feeling is feeling and it felt good to feel something that I inflicted on myself rather than someone else’s actions making me feel a way. I have control over what I do to myself and to others, but not over what other people do to me. So this self-inflicted pain, not physical is definitely something I’d rather have than something I have no control over.

She says, “So I guess I’ll go home into the arms of the girl I love, the only love I haven’t screwed up.” And she’s talking about herself. And I’m talking about myself. I might be a little much for everyone, and she feels that way too. But I’ve only got me and I’ve only got control over myself. I’ve got to be the arms I run into when someone else makes me sad, when someone else’s actions bring up a hurt in my heart.

The last words of the songs are the only ones that really scare me: “They’re gonna watch me disappear into the sun, you’re all gonna watch me disappear into the sun.”

I know what it’s like to want to disappear. I used to tell my closest friends or my exes that I was going to pull away, I was going to disappear. And it was always because I felt like I was so much to put on everyone, so I’d leave but then they’d have to exert more energy than if I just hung around, because they’d have to chase after me out of worry, guilt or love.

And that was unfair to them. I’m also being unfair to myself to think I’m a liability, but I also know there’s a bunch of people in this world who feel the same way. And to all of you out there that may read this and feel like a liability, you’re not. And if anyone dares call you that, you look them in the eyes and say, “I’m not.” And walk away. Because that type of mental manipulation isn’t fair to you and you don’t need negativity like that.

You’re not a liability and I’m probably not either, but I’ve got to listen to the song a few more times to feel like maybe I’m not and just feel whatever it is I’m feeling.

Peace and love, always.

 

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Up, down, all around

Life loves messing with you, doesn’t it? You think everything is great, you’re so happy, you’re living on a high. Nothing can bring you down, everything is happy. Oh those clouds up there? They’re so cute and puffy!

Until that thing that’s giving you a high leaves. Then, you realize not everything is happy, there’s sad things happening you didn’t see before. Those clouds are about to release water all over, aren’t they?

Yep. Rain, thunder, wind, lightning. All at once. You may be in a tornado, but who knows, you’re so caught up in everything you can’t tell what’s going on, what’s real and what’s not.

Was anything I ever believed real? Was that a real experience? Was that a real feeling? Am I living in a dream?

Honestly, these are questions I ask myself on a daily basis after I get caught up with one thing that made me feel so invincible. And the sad thing is, I have NO IDEA how to answer them.

Because to this day, I have been disappointed or brought down by every single thing that has ever brought be a high or a joy. It’s either left, disintegrated, or been a figment of my imagination.

So would the best thing to be to find something invincible that I could use as my high? Like an alternate universe, where nothing bad could ever happen? I could play Sims for decades. But I wouldn’t feel anything.

The hard thing about this horrifying life is that there are so many downs, but there’s also ups. You just need to realize the difference between a high and an up. Because they are different. And when I say you need to realize the difference, I really mean I need to. 

I tweeted the other day “It’d be so much easier not having feelings.” And yeah, it sure would be. I could be a robot, typing this thing, with no emotion, just putting one robotic finger on the keyboard at a time, but that’s not really living. And I think in the past week I’ve learned a lot about that.

To be vulnerable is terrifying. Because you’re opening yourself up for sadness, for disappointment, for hurt. But you’re also opening yourself up for joy and happiness. There are places to be vulnerable and places to be closed off and it’s pretty damn hard trying to figure out which. I wish I had an app or some sort of device that I could take around with me and point at people or situations that told me it was okay to be vulnerable there, but that’d take away the entire idea of vulnerability.

Right now, I’m coming off a high, not an illegal one – no worries. But, I definitely think it’s good to get back to the reality of my life. There’s no point in faking what you’re feeling, because it’s going to come out eventually, whether in a totally appropriate and understandable way or in an explosive eruption.

So yeah, I’m just gonna sit with this feeling. And look at it, tell it I see it, but that’s it. I’m not gonna follow it anywhere dangerous. I let myself be vulnerable and it wound up biting me in the butt and now it’s gonna be harder next time someone asks me to be vulnerable with them because I’ll remember this feeling, but I still got to do it, don’t I?

Well… maybe not for awhile.

The little girl

Plaid jumper, white collar, perfect little ponytail, with a Powerpuff Girls backpack, walking into school with her older, smarter brother. First one in the room, take out the lunch that was packed, go sit down. Don’t speak to anyone. Not sure what they’ll do. Everyone is a threat.

But are they? Everyone comes in and they start talking to each other, they look like they’re having fun. But they’re poking each other, their shirts are untucked and that girl doesn’t look like she brushed her hair this morning. That’s not right. That’s not good.

Where are the nice kids? Oh, there they are, sitting quietly, reading books, talking to the teacher. It’d be best to go over there. They’d be proud if the little girl was smart. They’d be proud if the the little girl behaved herself. Maybe she’d be enough.

The little girl plays with the right people, she makes sure she spells every word right on the weekly spelling quizzes. She practices her multiplication every night. She must be the first to know them. They’d be proud if she was the first, wouldn’t they?

She messed up the elevens for multiplications.

“Those are the easiest, how’d you mess those up?”

Because, the little girl thinks, I’m not smart. I’m never going to be enough. But I’m going to try harder next time, I’ve got to be perfect. Then I’ll be enough. 

The little girl goes home. She doesn’t dare say she didn’t pass the elevens, that’s too embarrassing. She made such a stupid mistake, she would’ve done better if she was more like her brother. She would’ve been better if she were her brother.

She goes to school the next day with wet eyes. But she knows to tell everyone she just yawned or she’s very tired, the storm kept her up last night. She tells them the thunder kept her up. They don’t ask, but she tells the good kids, the kids who got through the elevens yesterday.

Little do they know, the little girl thinks, the thunder was me screaming at myself in my head, replaying that stupid mistake over and over, and the rain they heard at their house, with their perfect families, was me crying until I fell asleep because I can’t figure out how I’ll ever be good enough.

Oh, little girl. You don’t know. In a few years, it won’t matter that you forgot that 11 multiplied by 12 is 121. You’ll have a calculator on your phone, everything will be alright.

…..

But, little girl, it does matter that you cried. It matters because in several years, you’re still wondering why you mess up so often and fail everyone. Little girl, you still exist, don’t you? You’re still here.

 

I know, because I am you. I am you, little girl.

Clean

You know, Taylor Swift might not be my favorite person, but her music always hits home. And yes, it’s quite a ‘basic white girl’ thing to say. But really, IDGAF, because it’s true.

I was driving from across town to go get my nails did with my future sis and it was raining and it was just such a nasty Monday. But on the inside, I felt dope, because I had just had a major breakthrough with why I am the way I am, and why I react certain ways and all that jazz.

So the rain was pouring, maybe not pouring, but my windshield wipers were doing work. And then the song Clean by Taylor Swift comes on. And I don’t know how many people are really aware of this song, but it’s all about addiction. Hers is in the form of a male specimen, I think Harry Styles – and let’s be honest, who wouldn’t get addicted to him? hsBut that’s not the point.

I, myself, have an addictive personality, I get hooked on things very easily. If it offers any sort of benefit for myself or for others, I will continuously make sure whatever it is keeps happening because for some reason, I’m wired like that. I think most people would identify as an addictive personality type, of all different levels.

But her song uses different metaphors, ranging from water to alcohol. And the alcohol references are easily understood because sometimes a person can give you the same feeling as alcohol or drugs. I’m not really in tune with how many people have made the link between alcohol and people addictions in songs, but it’s dope.

However, the best and most apparent theme throughout the song is water. She talks about being clean, and you need water to get dirt off. She talks about drowning, and my God, I know what it feels like to drown inside of yourself, to drown and just give up that feeling of trying to save whatever it is you’re addicted to.

It took her 10 months to get where she is, 10 months to get clean, sober from her addiction, and that’s terrifying. As a person who always wants to get things done as quick as possible, it is so frustrating when people tell me, “It’ll take time.” Because can time just speed up???

But every day is a fight. Every day is a day to make a decision of whether to cave or whether to stay strong like a fighter you should be.

Some of my favorite lines from the songs:

  • “The drought was the very worst. When the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst.” 
  • “When I was drowning, that’s when I could finally breathe.”
  • “Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you.”
  • “You’re still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore.”

Check out the song, it’s great : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2Hfiujc_1c

Messy

A lesson learned always comes at a price, doesn’t it? I’m young but I’ve learned a lot of lessons. And boy, they’ve burned me, cut me, drowned me and beat me to a pulp.

Today my lesson came with the price of tears, guilt, and a re-broken heart. I built up this idea in my head, a beautiful picture, one that I could never paint with a brush. And one that could most-likely never become a reality, but boy I tricked myself. I felt with my heart instead of my head. I felt something and capitalized on something I knew would bring me immediate comfort.

But how unhealthy was that? On a scale of a cold to the Bubonic Plague, nearing the B.P. and I knew that somewhere inside of my body, and so did my friends, that knew, and they warned me against it. But, I couldn’t listen. I had to listen to what my heart needed, the feeling of being loved, wanted.

Well, why would I go to an unhealthy source for that when I have plenty of healthy choices around me, and I’m trying to bring myself that love. But I can’t bring myself to that level. I can’t get there quite yet. And I wasn’t getting close to the top of the mountain, I wasn’t even midway, but I was up a little bit, creeping into that feeling that, “Hey, maybe I’m something I can love.”

Now I fell. I fell onto the ground and my breath is gone. Tears are streaming down my face, dirt all over, and I’m just thinking, “WHY COULDN’T I HOLD ON?” And now I’m mad at myself for that and for everything else I’ve done in my life wrong. So it’s just a mess down here.

But I am used to messes, so maybe I can clean this one up with no problem..? Maybe, but probably not.

 

 

Headed to a mountain

I’ve got a nervous feeling in my stomach. I woke up this morning with this horrible feeling. I feel like something is wrong and I feel like I’ve messed something up. And as a “diagnosed” perfectionist, this feeling is unpleasant, and I’m getting anxiety from trying figure out where this feeling is coming from and how to fix it and make it go away.

There’s always the possibility that I’m starving and that’s why my stomach feels so bad, probably a little factor.

I’m wondering if I’ve ruined relationships with people I care about so deeply, in a way that they don’t even know that I have yet. Because I’m working on myself, but what led me to needing that? (And yes, everyone should always work on themselves) My dependency on relationships with guys, family, my own little pup, the ideas of the future – all led me to figuring out that I needed to get help.

I’ve always told people I’m independent, and I am in regards to some things, like I can go places on my own and not feel weird and I can do my work without having to ask for help, but I’m not independent when it comes to my own emotions and happiness.

There’s no way to be completely immune to the people you love the most, no way to completely disregard how they feel and not let it affect you. But that’s not really what I’m talking about. It’s more, like a Dementor trying to suck happiness from someone else.

And my gosh, that doesn’t sound like it’s fun or healthy for anyone, yet I continue on. But I’m stopping that. Which is something I find challenging. They tell you to distract yourself, yet feel what you feel. How do I do that? Why would I do that. I’ve always felt everything in every part of my body and that could very well be why I depended on things, because then I could feel what they were feeling instead of whatever I was feeling.

So now I’m picturing myself on the top of a mountain and just standing there, eventually sitting because I’m lazy, and not thinking about anything except exactly what is inside of me. And that sounds so selfish to me, but it’s what I need to do. Go up there, and think, Meg, think! Feel what you feel, stop questioning if it’s going to be alright, stop waiting on a text and a call to feel better, and most of all, don’t think that you need someone to tell you that it’s going to be okay.

Just know it. And I want that more than anything, I don’t want to reach out to someone and ask them to reassure me that everything is okay and they love me. That’s unfair for them and for myself. If I get in a tough situation, I need to think about how I’m smart, I am scrappy, I’ll be able to figure this out.

And I’m not there yet, but I want to be so badly that maybe the desire is getting in the way of actually getting to that goal. I’m gonna go to a mountain now, have a lovely day people.

P.S. The song Dive by Ed Sheeran is very, very good. Highly recommend a listen.

“And I could live, I could die hanging on the words you say and I’ve been known to give my all and jumping in harder than ten thousand rocks on the lake.”

Why you got to love yourself?

meg
My first real smile in months

Today I focused in on the whys, which was enlightening and frustrating and confusing and really all those words that mean “asfjaklsdjfkls,” you know what I mean, smart internet person.

But why do we have to love ourselves? 

Well, because sometimes no one else will give you the love you need. As much as we want to believe and we’re told by ‘grown ups’ that it takes a village and people that your parents will love you no matter what, it might not be true. I mean, I know for a fact that my parents will love me unconditionally forever, but some parents won’t. That’s sad, but it’s something you must deal with if that happens to be your case. That’s what I was told today, “You probably didn’t get the love you needed when you were a little girl.” Well, I didn’t want to be rude, but I was thinking noooope, that’s not me.

So then, why do need to love myself?

There’s a lot of reasons and one of the most simple is the idea that you cannot love someone else if you haven’t learned to love yourself. That’s the one that stuck out to me, but now that puts pressure to love myself so that then I can love someone else and all that. So I’m ignoring that one.

So I need to love myself so that I don’t rely on others. I need to be able to give myself the reassurance, the confidence and the love so that I can become the successful woman of my dreams.

I need to love myself because I can. Because it’s worth loving who you are to be able to walk out into the world and be your own best friend. You tell a joke, no one laughs, but you do and that’s literally all you need. I mean, that’s not how I feel right now, but I strive towards that.

Woman of my dreams..

That sounds kinda weird doesn’t it? Like I’m looking for some woman in a romantic way. Well, that’s not what I mean. I mean me. I’m looking to become the woman of my dreams who is going to kick ass in every part of the world that I want.

I want to be the mom to my children (that I thankfully don’t have yet) who will give them so much love and so much confidence that they’ll be adored. And hopefully I’ll be with a man who shows me the love that I need and will therefore show them what love looks like and that they deserve nothing but the best.

But I cannot do any of that without loving myself. So the journey began a little bit ago, and I’m smiling a bit, but I want to smile some more.

A Pain in the

Today I encountered people with some extreme adversities; a loss of a son, loss of a spouse, loss of two children, early-life neglect, really anything you can think of – I heard it. It was a lot to take in, and I just sat and listened with two wide eyes that kept filling with tears.

Pain is hard. Pain is something every single person in this world has experienced. Some have experienced more, some have experienced different levels, but everyone has felt it. And while it often tears people apart, from the inside out, these people I’ve met are letting it bond them together.

They’re like, yeah life sucks and I’ve been burned over and over again, but I want to do something about it and I don’t want to feel so alone. And if that’s not inspiring to you, you must be a robot.

Beep Boop Boop. Feeling pain is not pleasant, it’s uncomfortable. And letting others know you’re in pain and you’re constantly pressured by yourself to be out of pain or to be happy or just functional, it’s awkward. It’s like wearing thong. It’s under your clothes, and you can’t even see it (which is really the point, amiright??) but it’s there and yes it sometimes hurts like hell but you’re not gonna show that pain because you’re a hot lady who doesn’t have panty lines.

I know, I’ve been there, both in the emotional pain and the thong pain. And if you try and tell someone you’re feeling this way, they usually feel uncomfortable and ask you to either leave them out of it or take care of it and get back to them.

Well, that’s why it’s different with these new friends I’ve found. They’re in pain, they acknowledge it, and they share how they feel about it. They share why they feel like they do. And they even (GET THIS) ask how I feel about my pain and what caused it and why I feel the way I do about the pain.

These people are jewels. But they shouldn’t be. Everyone in this entire world feels pain and pushes it far away so they can focus on something that they’d rather zoom in on. Well, that can work for awhile, but eventually you’ll become a big, unhappy sack of pain. That’s not cute, not that I’ve seen an actual image, but I’m going to assure you with 99.999% certainty it’s not cute.

I’m not trying to start a movement to scream out in pain, but I’m just asking that next time you’re in pain, and I mean emotionally, you tell someone, even if it’s your own self, and say why you feel like that. Because you might feel alone, you might feel like you’re too young to be in as much pain as you’re in, you’re too good to feel this pain, you’re too smart and driven to feel this pain. This pain is going to halt your plans, you can’t deal with it now!

Well, either deal with it now or deal with it later. This really isn’t one of those assignments where the teacher says, “Do not wait until the night before to start this.” It’s just a warning, a warning that you most likely have felt pain lately (and it might’ve been small) and you might not have processed exactly why you felt what you did.

But you shouldn’t be scared, you should just be. You should just be how you are, experiencing every day, the feelings of it all and maybe not psychoanalyzing those feelings, but definitely acknowledging that you did feel that way.

Yeah, I learned a lot today. Mostly, I’m in pain and so is everyone else in some way, but we got to let ourselves deal with it instead of shoving it under the bed again.

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