In the past few weeks, I was improving. I was smiling more and doing things that would make me happy. I was taking care of my body, taking care of my relationships with people. I was finding ways to bring joy to myself. I thought I was well on my way to healthier mindset and life.
But I hit a bump in the road. And it’s all unraveled since then. I’m regressing to wanting to hide from everything. I’m hoping to go away and not hurt anyone anymore. Because it seems that’s all I’m good for. I try to do the right things, and I’d say 95% of the time I do the right thing. But the 5% is where I falter.
I’m logical enough to know that 95% of the time is a good chunk of time and I should be proud of myself. But I’m not. Because I’m too focused on when I messed everything up. Some things are traumatic, some things will set you back to where you were, and this is one of those times.
I have called myself the worst names in the past 24 hours: stupid, bitch, idiot, worthless, no-good. I’ve told myself I have ruined everything, that people would be better off without me in their lives.
And I’ve been told by most of my close friends, my family that everyone makes mistakes and no one is dead, no one is hurt. But I’m hurt. I’m hurt because I can’t forgive myself for anything.
I’ve been taught skills for this situation. Think about if one of your good friends made a huge mistake and they feel horrible and don’t know how to move forward. What would I do? I would go tell them they messed up, yeah, but it’s over. And it’s all going to be okay, you just need to learn from this.
So why is it so hard for me to accept that I make mistakes too? When I’m a person too and I’m supposed to be my own best friend, I have to accept myself. But I have to remind myself to trust my gut. And I have to give myself the love I want to give everyone else.
In one of Ed Sheeran’s new songs, “Save Myself,” he talked about how he gave every single thing from himself to save someone else and how in the end he was just empty because he wasn’t really in a spot to save someone else, when he wasn’t saved himself.
And that’s my problem. I know exactly what my problem is, I just need to do work to make me the priority, when I could get seriously hurt. If I continue to hate myself, I will just be unhappy, and really I’m on this whole journey to be happy with who I am and happy about how I treat others.
First step is awareness – I messed up and I know I did. So that’s a good place to start, but I really need to lay down and think about all of the reasons that I should be thankful for my life and thankful for me being who I am. I just need to not do so much for others (as selfish as that sounds) and do more to ensure my own happiness.
It might sound selfish, but if you bare with me through the selfish time, my cup will be full enough that I will be able to help and make this world a better place than if I was using a half full cup and giving someone else everything in there.
A little side note on this too. If someone you love messed up big time, and put themselves and others at risk and they feel so remorseful already and they’ve apologized, don’t continue to tell them that they messed up. Tell them, it’s important to realize you messed up and that you learned from it. But I am here to support you. Those are the words I received from most of my friends – supportive and loving. Others basically said I couldn’t be in their life anymore. And ya know what? That’s shitty. What kind of a friend does that? When they know you’re in need of some support and you are already kicking yourself, that’s a person you should distance yourself from immediately. Because you deserve better. And so do I. I know how others are supposed to treat me now, but I’m still working on how to treat myself. And I’m excited for the moment it hits me that I do deserve to be my best friend, supportive as all get out.