Liability

I’ve always connected with Lorde on a different level than other artists, it may be because she’s around my age, has dark hair? No, I think it goes a little deeper than that. She seems to get caught up in things like I do.

I’ve been looking forward to her new album coming out, but I didn’t even realize it was out until I heard her voice coming through my speaker on the Top 50 Chart. That song was Green Light, and it was good. But then I went to her page, and saw that Liability was up and I haven’t heard that yet.

I had a Holy blank moment. Because Lorde must’ve been watching me and observing my brain. Every single line. Every single line hit home. I haven’t connected to a song on every single level like I connected to this one. And now I have in on replay, blasting in my ear. I know a professional would say that’s stupid, that it’s not a good idea to listen to a song that makes you cry over over again.

But screw it. Because it made me feel something. And feeling is feeling and it felt good to feel something that I inflicted on myself rather than someone else’s actions making me feel a way. I have control over what I do to myself and to others, but not over what other people do to me. So this self-inflicted pain, not physical is definitely something I’d rather have than something I have no control over.

She says, “So I guess I’ll go home into the arms of the girl I love, the only love I haven’t screwed up.” And she’s talking about herself. And I’m talking about myself. I might be a little much for everyone, and she feels that way too. But I’ve only got me and I’ve only got control over myself. I’ve got to be the arms I run into when someone else makes me sad, when someone else’s actions bring up a hurt in my heart.

The last words of the songs are the only ones that really scare me: “They’re gonna watch me disappear into the sun, you’re all gonna watch me disappear into the sun.”

I know what it’s like to want to disappear. I used to tell my closest friends or my exes that I was going to pull away, I was going to disappear. And it was always because I felt like I was so much to put on everyone, so I’d leave but then they’d have to exert more energy than if I just hung around, because they’d have to chase after me out of worry, guilt or love.

And that was unfair to them. I’m also being unfair to myself to think I’m a liability, but I also know there’s a bunch of people in this world who feel the same way. And to all of you out there that may read this and feel like a liability, you’re not. And if anyone dares call you that, you look them in the eyes and say, “I’m not.” And walk away. Because that type of mental manipulation isn’t fair to you and you don’t need negativity like that.

You’re not a liability and I’m probably not either, but I’ve got to listen to the song a few more times to feel like maybe I’m not and just feel whatever it is I’m feeling.

Peace and love, always.

 

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