Up, down, all around

Life loves messing with you, doesn’t it? You think everything is great, you’re so happy, you’re living on a high. Nothing can bring you down, everything is happy. Oh those clouds up there? They’re so cute and puffy!

Until that thing that’s giving you a high leaves. Then, you realize not everything is happy, there’s sad things happening you didn’t see before. Those clouds are about to release water all over, aren’t they?

Yep. Rain, thunder, wind, lightning. All at once. You may be in a tornado, but who knows, you’re so caught up in everything you can’t tell what’s going on, what’s real and what’s not.

Was anything I ever believed real? Was that a real experience? Was that a real feeling? Am I living in a dream?

Honestly, these are questions I ask myself on a daily basis after I get caught up with one thing that made me feel so invincible. And the sad thing is, I have NO IDEA how to answer them.

Because to this day, I have been disappointed or brought down by every single thing that has ever brought be a high or a joy. It’s either left, disintegrated, or been a figment of my imagination.

So would the best thing to be to find something invincible that I could use as my high? Like an alternate universe, where nothing bad could ever happen? I could play Sims for decades. But I wouldn’t feel anything.

The hard thing about this horrifying life is that there are so many downs, but there’s also ups. You just need to realize the difference between a high and an up. Because they are different. And when I say you need to realize the difference, I really mean I need to. 

I tweeted the other day “It’d be so much easier not having feelings.” And yeah, it sure would be. I could be a robot, typing this thing, with no emotion, just putting one robotic finger on the keyboard at a time, but that’s not really living. And I think in the past week I’ve learned a lot about that.

To be vulnerable is terrifying. Because you’re opening yourself up for sadness, for disappointment, for hurt. But you’re also opening yourself up for joy and happiness. There are places to be vulnerable and places to be closed off and it’s pretty damn hard trying to figure out which. I wish I had an app or some sort of device that I could take around with me and point at people or situations that told me it was okay to be vulnerable there, but that’d take away the entire idea of vulnerability.

Right now, I’m coming off a high, not an illegal one – no worries. But, I definitely think it’s good to get back to the reality of my life. There’s no point in faking what you’re feeling, because it’s going to come out eventually, whether in a totally appropriate and understandable way or in an explosive eruption.

So yeah, I’m just gonna sit with this feeling. And look at it, tell it I see it, but that’s it. I’m not gonna follow it anywhere dangerous. I let myself be vulnerable and it wound up biting me in the butt and now it’s gonna be harder next time someone asks me to be vulnerable with them because I’ll remember this feeling, but I still got to do it, don’t I?

Well… maybe not for awhile.

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