Messy

A lesson learned always comes at a price, doesn’t it? I’m young but I’ve learned a lot of lessons. And boy, they’ve burned me, cut me, drowned me and beat me to a pulp.

Today my lesson came with the price of tears, guilt, and a re-broken heart. I built up this idea in my head, a beautiful picture, one that I could never paint with a brush. And one that could most-likely never become a reality, but boy I tricked myself. I felt with my heart instead of my head. I felt something and capitalized on something I knew would bring me immediate comfort.

But how unhealthy was that? On a scale of a cold to the Bubonic Plague, nearing the B.P. and I knew that somewhere inside of my body, and so did my friends, that knew, and they warned me against it. But, I couldn’t listen. I had to listen to what my heart needed, the feeling of being loved, wanted.

Well, why would I go to an unhealthy source for that when I have plenty of healthy choices around me, and I’m trying to bring myself that love. But I can’t bring myself to that level. I can’t get there quite yet. And I wasn’t getting close to the top of the mountain, I wasn’t even midway, but I was up a little bit, creeping into that feeling that, “Hey, maybe I’m something I can love.”

Now I fell. I fell onto the ground and my breath is gone. Tears are streaming down my face, dirt all over, and I’m just thinking, “WHY COULDN’T I HOLD ON?” And now I’m mad at myself for that and for everything else I’ve done in my life wrong. So it’s just a mess down here.

But I am used to messes, so maybe I can clean this one up with no problem..? Maybe, but probably not.

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: