Headed to a mountain

I’ve got a nervous feeling in my stomach. I woke up this morning with this horrible feeling. I feel like something is wrong and I feel like I’ve messed something up. And as a “diagnosed” perfectionist, this feeling is unpleasant, and I’m getting anxiety from trying figure out where this feeling is coming from and how to fix it and make it go away.

There’s always the possibility that I’m starving and that’s why my stomach feels so bad, probably a little factor.

I’m wondering if I’ve ruined relationships with people I care about so deeply, in a way that they don’t even know that I have yet. Because I’m working on myself, but what led me to needing that? (And yes, everyone should always work on themselves) My dependency on relationships with guys, family, my own little pup, the ideas of the future – all led me to figuring out that I needed to get help.

I’ve always told people I’m independent, and I am in regards to some things, like I can go places on my own and not feel weird and I can do my work without having to ask for help, but I’m not independent when it comes to my own emotions and happiness.

There’s no way to be completely immune to the people you love the most, no way to completely disregard how they feel and not let it affect you. But that’s not really what I’m talking about. It’s more, like a Dementor trying to suck happiness from someone else.

And my gosh, that doesn’t sound like it’s fun or healthy for anyone, yet I continue on. But I’m stopping that. Which is something I find challenging. They tell you to distract yourself, yet feel what you feel. How do I do that? Why would I do that. I’ve always felt everything in every part of my body and that could very well be why I depended on things, because then I could feel what they were feeling instead of whatever I was feeling.

So now I’m picturing myself on the top of a mountain and just standing there, eventually sitting because I’m lazy, and not thinking about anything except exactly what is inside of me. And that sounds so selfish to me, but it’s what I need to do. Go up there, and think, Meg, think! Feel what you feel, stop questioning if it’s going to be alright, stop waiting on a text and a call to feel better, and most of all, don’t think that you need someone to tell you that it’s going to be okay.

Just know it. And I want that more than anything, I don’t want to reach out to someone and ask them to reassure me that everything is okay and they love me. That’s unfair for them and for myself. If I get in a tough situation, I need to think about how I’m smart, I am scrappy, I’ll be able to figure this out.

And I’m not there yet, but I want to be so badly that maybe the desire is getting in the way of actually getting to that goal. I’m gonna go to a mountain now, have a lovely day people.

P.S. The song Dive by Ed Sheeran is very, very good. Highly recommend a listen.

“And I could live, I could die hanging on the words you say and I’ve been known to give my all and jumping in harder than ten thousand rocks on the lake.”

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