Today I was talking to my doc, telling him about my progress, which he seemed pretty happy with. I’m fine with my progress, I’m not thrilled or anything, but that’s just because I probably won’t be thrilled with anything for a little while. But being fine with it is actually a pretty big step for me right now.
He asked me how much I’ve cried lately, and I told him I wasn’t even sure when the last time I cried was. The weird thing is: I’ve been laughing. I’ve been driving, I’ve been going to stores and just checking things out. I’m by myself, but I don’t feel as alone as I did before.
I’m eager to have conversations, I want to talk to people. I haven’t felt that in a long time and it excited me. I told my doc that I was planning on hanging out with some friends and how I was focusing on on nurturing friendships more because I’m not really interested in trying to start a relationship or even crushing on anyone at the moment. He said, “Goooood.”
Well, I mean sure Ryan Gosling is adoooorable, but that’s not really something I can actually act on. And I told him how a few people have suggested a rebound, but the thing is, I don’t really want one. And what’s weird is I don’t feel like I need a relationship anymore, like I did a week or two ago. He asked if I missed the relationship, and I said, “I think I miss someone telling me I’m pretty or making me feel special, but that’s about it.” He said that’s normal, everyone wants that, but that sometimes getting that feeling isn’t worth all the emotional stress that comes along with it.
I’m excited to get to know me again. I’m excited to be happy from within myself and find the sunshine that used to pour out of me. I’ve been cloudy for awhile, a little like Eeyore, but I can’t wait to be the girl that people used to describe as: always smiling, always laughing, so easy to talk to, etc. I want to be that girl again, because that’s who I am.
It’s just not who I am now. It’ll take time and work to get back to that place, but I definitely think that’s what I’m most excited for right now. I’m excited to let people into my life that will be able to rid the clouds bits by bits and bring out the old, happy me.
Apparently I have “wounded bird syndrome,” which is where you are seeing someone who has some troubles and they bring out the issues in your own self. So, I definitely would like to be cured of that, and while I’m excited to be able to choose someone who isn’t wounded or bad for me, it’s not time.
I’m excited now for me. I’m excited to get the sunshine out, to create a whole new world for myself – hence the title of this post hehe – and just embrace every single day as a chance to bring joy to others and myself.
“Here comes the sun, (doo doo doo doo…)” – Beatles