Can’t let go

Forewarning, this is a sappy, sad expression of how my heartbreak feels at the moment.

“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead” – Adele

I thought we would last. You thought we would last. You told me I was your one. Why’d you throw me out so easily? Why’d you discard me like a piece of trash? Why’d you throw me down the stairs while screaming, “You’re a crazy, stupid bitch?” Do you know how many hours I’ve spent replaying that in my head, wondering why I deserved that.

My family, friends and everyone I’ve talked to have tried to convince me that it’s not true. But do you realize your opinion means so much that the people who have been in my life for so long can’t convince me otherwise?

Do you even care? Do you want me to be in pain? Do you think I deserve it because you thought I was being dishonest to you? I only wanted you to be happy. I only wanted you to succeed. I’m sick from crying every day, I’m sick from wanting you back. I’m sick for even thinking that we should be together.

Why would I want you after you threw me like that? I DON’T KNOW. All I know is that I don’t want to believe that that is who you are. But maybe it is. And maybe you exposed yourself in that moment of pure anger and pure hate. When you looked at me with such a cruel smile and said, “Get out, we’re done.” That looked like a person I’d never seen before, it looked like a person who hated me.

How do you throw away six months of love like that? How do you throw the girl you wanted to marry on the ground like that? It doesn’t make sense to me. That’s what’s so hard about all of this. It doesn’t make sense to me.

But it does to everyone else, because they saw it coming I guess. Maybe you did too, but I thought we were meant for each other.

I wish for no one to EVER EVER feel like I do right now. I open my mouth in pain and nothing even comes out. Just a screech at the end or a sob trying to come out. My heart physically hurts, I can’t eat. I have to take double doses of every pill I was on before. They added another for moments of pure weakness.

I disgust myself for letting another human being make me feel the way I do right now. I’m justifying it by saying it was you and it was a mistake, but I know deep down you’re not going to come back and tell me it was a mistake because you don’t want me. If you wanted me, you would’ve let me explain what was happening and you wouldn’t have thrown me.

I only ever wanted to help you, and that’s what hurts the most.

“I wish nothing but the best for you” -Adele (and me)

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