Hi. How are you today? Did you go to class? Did you eat breakfast and lunch? Are you reading lately or are you just playing your video games? Are you working on your music? Did you write more mean songs about me?
Are you happy? Do you miss me? Do you wonder what I’m doing like I wonder what you’re doing? Does your heart ache like mine?
I can’t believe how I feel. I can’t believe that it’s a week and a half out from that night and I still feel like I’m ripped in half. I want more than anything to reach out to you. I want to call you and hear your voice say that everything is going to be alright again.
I’m not over it. I’m not over the fact that we’re over. It’s not real to me. It’s not reality still, it feels like I’m living in a dream and when I go to sleep and dream about you that’s real life.
I need to know if you miss me. I need to know if you think about me. But I can’t ask. I can’t ask if you miss our trips to the gym, our trips to the store, to random places where we were just together and enjoying our own company.
I know I miss it. I tricked myself into thinking that I didn’t miss it. I told everyone, “Yeah I’m over it, screw him.” But in reality, I just want you to show up at my door and take me into your arms and say, “We messed up, we belong together, I’m so sorry, I love you.”
I’m probably weak for thinking that and you’re probably not thinking about me at all. All I want is a text from you saying hey, or hi, or how are you, and more than anything I want a phone call begging for me back.
I hate me for that, but I hate you for giving up on this. I hate you for not believing me, I hate that what we had crumbled so quickly over such a misunderstanding. Everything we ever fought about was a misunderstanding. I don’t know if we could’ve figured it out, but I wish more than anything we had our friendship back. We had our inside jokes, the cracking up about something nobody else understood, we had comfort in each other.
I wonder if you’re ever going to forgive me for what you thought I did, because I swear to you 10 times over, there was no one else but you. I swear on my dog, and you know that means a lot. I know I haven’t completely figured out what to make of what you did to me, and I know that you’re going to get in trouble for what you did.
But I miss you so much it’s disgusting. I can do other things now, I can read, write, go out and do stuff, but I still wish you were with me. I wish we could laugh about the things we used to laugh at and just be us like we were.
I don’t know if you’ll ever see this, and that’s alright, it’s easier for me to write about it and let it just be out there than for me to keep it inside.
At the end of all this, I miss you and I love you. I legitimately will always love you. There’s no way around any of that. I want you to be happy, but I want to know if you’re happier with me or without me because now that I know I can be happy without you, I want to be happy with you.
I hope you’re okay, I hope you’re happy and you’re doing what you love. But I miss you. And that’s all I can say.
With all my love,