But I do

In the past 6 months, I’ve lost myself. I’ve lost who I am and what I like and what I want to do. I turned into a person that did things only to make another person happy. I turned into a person that didn’t really have any direction besides the one that one person was giving me. Is it my fault? For sure. Did I get involved in the wrong relationship? Yes. Am I over him? No.

I spent months and months convincing myself that this was it. I spent nights in his arms, days holding his hand and every minute talking to him. But what we had grew into a monster.

He came from a messed-up family, I came from a family that is everything to me. Everything seemed to be perfect, he loved me, he put me first, he wanted me to be happy and he would show his emotions like no boy I’ve ever met.

But, I started losing friends. I started losing my identity and my own opinions. I started fighting with him. We fought all the time. He got jealous, I got jealous. We were constantly together. We never had free time apart. If I was free, I was supposed to tell him, and vice versa.

He thought I was being dishonest. I had friends that were guys that had been there for me in hard times before we had ever met each other.

I was raised in a different environment than him. Respect and honesty were so important to him, he emphasized that. Growing up, it must’ve been drilled into his head because he never let it go. He would lecture me, with hand gestures that are now engrained in my mind.

He spoke as though those two values weren’t important to me. I started thinking maybe I wasn’t raised in the right way. Maybe I need to change who I am. Maybe I need to make sure he’s happy before we can be happy as a couple. Once we were happy as a couple, I could be happy as a person. I clung to my identity of us together. I clung to the feeling that I belonged somewhere.

I felt I belonged in his arms. I felt like that was home. But was it? I don’t know. He said he loved me so much, he loved me more than anything, that he would never stop loving me. And all those words had me so caught up in emotion that I felt like I was being treated like a princess.

“You treat me so well. Better than I’ve ever been treated. Thank you.” I found myself saying those words more often than I can even count. He would say, “You deserve it and you deserve better. I can’t make you happy.” I would gawk and proclaim my love, fight back and tell him to shut up and realize that I loved him and was on his side.

But he never really got that, he never understood that I was on his side. I wasn’t against him. Everyone in his entire life seemed to have been against him. Well, that’s the way his stories painted it. I’m not sure what’s real and what’s fake anymore.

I’m not sure if I was crazy to be in love with him. Or if I was perfectly sane and I crushed it by speaking to a very dear friend of mine. Did I crush the trust by waiting to tell him about something until I could tell him in person?

Was that a bad idea? Was I insane for doing what I’d always done? I didn’t want other people, I quite literally couldn’t even find attraction in other people, and I still can’t. I can’t look at a man and think that I’d want to kiss them, because kissing only reminds me of you. Everything reminds me of you.

I guess that’s how I can tell that I lost myself. Because nothing reminds me of me. Nothing reminds me of who I used to be. I don’t even know who I used to be anymore and that scares me.

I need to find me. I never thought being with someone at the age of 21 would take away my own identity. That’s not a concept that even crossed my mind.

But, here I am. Picking up the pieces, trying to put together a puzzle that is the old me mixed with the new me, trying to figure out who I can be without you. Maybe it’s a better person, it probably is. I can’t help but wonder what we could’ve been and why I want to go back into that trap that took away my identity.

…but I do.


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