Thoughts come into my head

Why wait for someone who doesn’t realize your value? Because you don’t value yourself.

This isn’t a hard question to answer, but it could be a hard question to realize you need to ask yourself.

There’s no love anymore, there’s no connection. So why hang on? I’m not, I think I’m going through the motions.

I don’t have anything inside of me right now to give to anyone else, I also don’t have anything to connect to someone with. There’s no tether. There’s nothing to tether to, it’s just a void and I hate it.

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

Get to the point where if one person leaves your life – usually for the best – that it doesn’t turn your entire existence upside down. Rely on yourself, that’s it. You can only trust yourself for what you decide to do, anything anyone else does – regardless of what they say they’re going to do – is up to them. Unless they prove themselves trustworthy and dependable, trust no one. Be your own sunshine, be your own rock, make yourself into the person you want to be on your own terms and through no assistance of others besides letting them show you what to do and what not to do.

The Unknown —> The Known

It’s been awhile since I’ve written – mostly because there’s just a lot going on, a lot not going on, a lot of things I want to change, a lot of things I want to do and don’t have the energy to.

But today is the beginning of something new. I’m starting a summer class tonight through Indiana University and I’m hoping to get back into a routine. My goals have been scattered, but not nearly as scattered as my life.

I haven’t a clue right now what I want to do after I graduate school, which is awfully terrifying. Luckily I have almost a year to figure that out, but it’s frightening to see people just a little older than me getting jobs and starting their careers. To think that could be me and will be me, it’s almost unfathomable.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what would make me feel fulfilled in this life and I know I have told many people I would like to be a flight attendant, but really, I don’t think that would be putting my talents to the best use. Sure, I’m friendly and I absolutely love flying, but I cannot stop thinking about going somewhere abroad and helping in a third-world country.

However, with my diabetes, I’m really not sure how possible that would be, and I completely understand that it would worry my family. An idea I’ve been thinking about is how I can help those with diabetes who don’t have good enough healthcare to receive the help they need to get the supplies that will help them have a longer and healthier life.

It sounds like a lot to take on, it sounds like something that would drain my bank account, but would fill my heart. Ever since people have asked me what I want to do with my life, what my goals are, I’ve always said: I’ll be happy if I can affect one person’s life in a positive way.

Well, past Meg, that’s a lovely sentiment, but you are more capable than that. And I know that I am. So, I’m done with making wimpy goals (not that it’s really that wimpy), because this life is a one time thing.

So I guess, now I know that I need to start planning and thinking and recruiting and researching and WOW those words sound pretty boring, but hopefully when it’s for something that can fill your entire heart up, it will become something I will look forward to.

And yes, I do still have about a year left of school left, yes I’ve made some pretty big mistakes in the past six months or so and I keep telling God I’m sorry, and keep begging him to help me find guidance.

So I know this might be a stretch, but I was just laying on the floor holding my pup’s paw and I thought, “I haven’t written anything in awhile.” And now I started writing and I literally came up with this idea and this purpose while writing this. So maybe God told me to write, maybe he’s been waiting for me to write. Maybe he had nothing to do with it.

He’s probably pretty upset with me because I’ve not been on my best behavior, but I just want to make my parents proud, my brother, my dog, my friends, God – if he’s there (I sincerely hope/think he might be). And as selfish as this is going to sound – I want to make myself proud.

I’ve come quite aways from a few months ago – in terms of loving/liking myself and valuing who I am and what I deserve from others and from myself. And I know I shouldn’t sell myself short.

So yes, while now I will be finishing my education, starting a summer job, I’m going to use my free time to start to form a plan, to get my priorities intact. And while that probably doesn’t sound fun to most 21-year-olds, I’m not really interested in “fun” right now, I’m more interested in something fulfilling. My goal isn’t fun, fun comes along with spending time with the people I love.

This post changed into something I had no idea it would, but I’m thrilled. I feel a lot better, which is bizarre, but I’m excited now.

I don’t know if there’s anyone that has read all the way, but if you have and you have any ideas about what I could do, places I could research, things like that, please reach out to me.

Text me, call me, email me – 317-656-1652 / welchm6@udayton.edu.

With so much love and excitement,

Meg 🙂

A Goodbye to the Old

Before I start to write this, I would like to make a disclaimer that I’m not judging anyone or saying what I’m doing is the way to go, it’s just what I’ve decided is best for me. 



Since I’ve been out of school for a couple months, I’ve adjusted (not saying well or not) to the non-college lifestyle. I’m no longer waiting for the weekends to go get completely trashed or sleep in until noon, which isn’t what I did all the time but some of the time. I’m not spending time when I’m out with friends trying to get the perfect picture to post on Insta to show people how fun I am and how awesome my life is.

I’m certainly not saying everyone in college does this, but I know that some do. I know that people at my school drink more than most. And I know they get caught up in drinking as much as possible in as short amount of time as possible. Because I did that. And I did it because that’s what everyone else was doing. Whoops.

A lot of people probably love doing that Thursday-Saturday, drinking themselves into oblivion, or just until they have a good buzz, but when I look at Snapchat stories of the life I used to live, I’m not envious. I thought I would be. In fact, on St. Paddy’s day, which is the biggest day at my school, I promised myself I wouldn’t get on Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook because I thought I would get sad that I wasn’t there.

But the strangest thing happened. I didn’t care. I looked and I thought, I did that last year, it wasn’t that great. For some of my friends, it’s something they look forward to all year, and that was me freshman year, but at this point I feel like I don’t have it in me to do that. I’m sure I’m growing up faster because I did stupid stupid stuff in a very condensed period of time, but maybe that’s okay.

Maybe being a screw-up for the first 2.5 years of college led me to where I’m supposed to be and where I’m going to be happy. Because I know that when I go back, the student body isn’t going to be in the same mindset as me, they’re not going to know what I know and what I’ve been through – just like I don’t know what they have been through.

So I’m saying goodbye to the past few years. I’m saying goodbye to forming friendships based on Smirnoff and Miller Lite. I’m saying goodbye to judging anyone for anything they do. I’m saying goodbye to going in with a “nope” attitude.

It’s easy to say these things when I’m 100 miles away from school, from all of those decisions, but I’m hoping for support from myself and my friends and family. I’m hoping to try new things that I didn’t get to.

Because I’m young, I really am. And if I don’t do things I want to do now (go to Spain, camp on the beach, write a book, ride a train along the Pacific Coast) when am I going to do it? And I can’t focus on those goals and focus on really living if I’m caught up in being what everyone else is.

So goodbye to the old “me,” who tried to be what everyone wanted me to be, and hello to genuine me, who’s maybe a bit too ambitious for her own good, it’s really nice to meet you.

 

Have a great, safe weekend everyone! 🙂

Save myself

In the past few weeks, I was improving. I was smiling more and doing things that would make me happy. I was taking care of my body, taking care of my relationships with people. I was finding ways to bring joy to myself. I thought I was well on my way to healthier mindset and life.

But I hit a bump in the road. And it’s all unraveled since then. I’m regressing to wanting to hide from everything. I’m hoping to go away and not hurt anyone anymore. Because it seems that’s all I’m good for. I try to do the right things, and I’d say 95% of the time I do the right thing. But the 5% is where I falter.

I’m logical enough to know that 95% of the time is a good chunk of time and I should be proud of myself. But I’m not. Because I’m too focused on when I messed everything up. Some things are traumatic, some things will set you back to where you were, and this is one of those times.

I have called myself the worst names in the past 24 hours: stupid, bitch, idiot, worthless, no-good. I’ve told myself I have ruined everything, that people would be better off without me in their lives.

And I’ve been told by most of my close friends, my family that everyone makes mistakes and no one is dead, no one is hurt. But I’m hurt. I’m hurt because I can’t forgive myself for anything.

I’ve been taught skills for this situation. Think about if one of your good friends made a huge mistake and they feel horrible and don’t know how to move forward. What would I do? I would go tell them they messed up, yeah, but it’s over. And it’s all going to be okay, you just need to learn from this.

So why is it so hard for me to accept that I make mistakes too? When I’m a person too and I’m supposed to be my own best friend, I have to accept myself. But I have to remind myself to trust my gut. And I have to give myself the love I want to give everyone else.

In one of Ed Sheeran’s new songs, “Save Myself,” he talked about how he gave every single thing from himself to save someone else and how in the end he was just empty because he wasn’t really in a spot to save someone else, when he wasn’t saved himself.

And that’s my problem. I know exactly what my problem is, I just need to do work to make me the priority, when I could get seriously hurt. If I continue to hate myself, I will just be unhappy, and really I’m on this whole journey to be happy with who I am and happy about how I treat others.

First step is awareness – I messed up and I know I did. So that’s a good place to start, but I really need to lay down and think about all of the reasons that I should be thankful for my life and thankful for me being who I am. I just need to not do so much for others (as selfish as that sounds) and do more to ensure my own happiness.

It might sound selfish, but if you bare with me through the selfish time, my cup will be full enough that I will be able to help and make this world a better place than if I was using a half full cup and giving someone else everything in there.


A little side note on this too. If someone you love messed up big time, and put themselves and others at risk and they feel so remorseful already and they’ve apologized, don’t continue to tell them that they messed up. Tell them, it’s important to realize you messed up and that you learned from it. But I am here to support you. Those are the words I received from most of my friends – supportive and loving. Others basically said I couldn’t be in their life anymore. And ya know what? That’s shitty. What kind of a friend does that? When they know you’re in need of some support and you are already kicking yourself, that’s a person you should distance yourself from immediately. Because you deserve better. And so do I. I know how others are supposed to treat me now, but I’m still working on how to treat myself. And I’m excited for the moment it hits me that I do deserve to be my best friend, supportive as all get out.

 

Where Do I Belong?

I used to know where I would go at the end of the day. I used to know who I would turn to in a struggle. I used to know what I wanted to do with my life. I used to know where I belonged.

But now I have no clue. 

My parents would say I belong at home with them. I do, in one sense, but in another, I don’t think I do. And I don’t even know where home is anymore. Because home used to be a person for me. It used to be the arms that would wrap around me when I was scared, tired, joyful, or anywhere in between.

But those arms aren’t home anymore. And maybe that’s why I’m confused, but I think it runs deeper than that. I can’t think of a single time in my life, besides in those arms, that I’ve felt like I truly belonged.

Yes, I’ve felt comfortable, I’ve felt happy, but there’s a difference between feeling welcomed and belonging. Belonging means you were built to be there, you were formed in a way that you would fit wherever it is that you belong.

I can’t only belong there, because I am no longer welcome there. 

But I don’t want to need to belong somewhere, I don’t want to force myself into a place I don’t belong. My family is a place that has always been comforting, they’ve been home and in a way they still are. But, I know there must be somewhere else I’m supposed to be.

How do I get there? 

I’m not sure. And that’s what’s so awful. And that’s why I get scared. Because I want to belong somewhere again. There’s no better feeling than knowing where you feel so loved, knowing where you want to spend your time, knowing where you want to start and end the day.

But does it have to be a person where you belong? I’d like to think it doesn’t. Because I would like to be able to go to a different place than a person, whether it’s a church, a little shack on the Pacific coast, or wherever. I just know I crave a place to belong.

As an optimist, I think I’ll be able to tell when I reach that place. Maybe it’s the journey, like all of those motivational posters say, “It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey.” I hope when I get to the place, the person, the mindset, I can tell. I could tell before. I could tell it was where I belonged, but I screwed that up. I pray to God that one person doesn’t have just one place they belong in their life. Maybe one place they belong at one time and then they move on and belong somewhere else.

As an impatient girl, I am begging to find that place. And God is probably up there laughing at me, in a kind way, saying, “Megan, you’ll get there, I know where you’re supposed to be, but you just have to wait a little longer.”

Hey God, if you’re up there reading this on your iPad or whatever it is you use up there, could you give me more patience? Thanks pal.

The blessing I’ve taken away from all of my screw-ups is that now I know what belonging feels like. I know what love is, and I know that there’s a lot of different types of loves and levels, but I do know what it feels like within my heart.

If you love someone, you want them to be happy no matter what. No matter if you cause that happiness or not, you want them to be happy. And that can hurt like hell, knowing they’re happier without you, but there’s a bigger part of you that’s smiling because you love them and you want them to have joy.

But maybe I could love someone that I can keep and belong to? Maybe that’s asking too much. I just want to belong somewhere, and that definitely means I have to do more work. I need to get out there, find a shack, find something. It’s all about getting out into the world to be able to find that little niche.

I just hope it’s soon, because it seems like so many people have found where they belong for the rest of their lives, and God I want that so badly. Maybe I’ve already found that place, maybe I haven’t, I just need some guidance.

For now, all I know, is that I belong to myself. And hopefully for awhile, that’ll be good enough. 

 

An Updated List of My Songs

Updated March 27, 2017

Three Empty Words – Shawn Mendes

Updated March 14, 2017

Impossible – James Arthur

Cheater – The Vamps

Blue Ain’t Your Color – Keith Urban

It Don’t Hurt Like It Used To – Billy Currington

Grand Piano – Nicki Minaj

Issues – Julia Michaels

Jesse – Carly Simon

March 11, 2017

Liability – Lorde

Better Man – Little Big Town

Happier – Ed Sheeran

Dive – Ed Sheeran

Technically Single – Taylor Buono

I Can’t Stop Drinking About You – Bebe Rexha

Try – Colbie Callat

Green Light – Lorde

 

 

Liability

I’ve always connected with Lorde on a different level than other artists, it may be because she’s around my age, has dark hair? No, I think it goes a little deeper than that. She seems to get caught up in things like I do.

I’ve been looking forward to her new album coming out, but I didn’t even realize it was out until I heard her voice coming through my speaker on the Top 50 Chart. That song was Green Light, and it was good. But then I went to her page, and saw that Liability was up and I haven’t heard that yet.

I had a Holy blank moment. Because Lorde must’ve been watching me and observing my brain. Every single line. Every single line hit home. I haven’t connected to a song on every single level like I connected to this one. And now I have in on replay, blasting in my ear. I know a professional would say that’s stupid, that it’s not a good idea to listen to a song that makes you cry over over again.

But screw it. Because it made me feel something. And feeling is feeling and it felt good to feel something that I inflicted on myself rather than someone else’s actions making me feel a way. I have control over what I do to myself and to others, but not over what other people do to me. So this self-inflicted pain, not physical is definitely something I’d rather have than something I have no control over.

She says, “So I guess I’ll go home into the arms of the girl I love, the only love I haven’t screwed up.” And she’s talking about herself. And I’m talking about myself. I might be a little much for everyone, and she feels that way too. But I’ve only got me and I’ve only got control over myself. I’ve got to be the arms I run into when someone else makes me sad, when someone else’s actions bring up a hurt in my heart.

The last words of the songs are the only ones that really scare me: “They’re gonna watch me disappear into the sun, you’re all gonna watch me disappear into the sun.”

I know what it’s like to want to disappear. I used to tell my closest friends or my exes that I was going to pull away, I was going to disappear. And it was always because I felt like I was so much to put on everyone, so I’d leave but then they’d have to exert more energy than if I just hung around, because they’d have to chase after me out of worry, guilt or love.

And that was unfair to them. I’m also being unfair to myself to think I’m a liability, but I also know there’s a bunch of people in this world who feel the same way. And to all of you out there that may read this and feel like a liability, you’re not. And if anyone dares call you that, you look them in the eyes and say, “I’m not.” And walk away. Because that type of mental manipulation isn’t fair to you and you don’t need negativity like that.

You’re not a liability and I’m probably not either, but I’ve got to listen to the song a few more times to feel like maybe I’m not and just feel whatever it is I’m feeling.

Peace and love, always.

 

Up, down, all around

Life loves messing with you, doesn’t it? You think everything is great, you’re so happy, you’re living on a high. Nothing can bring you down, everything is happy. Oh those clouds up there? They’re so cute and puffy!

Until that thing that’s giving you a high leaves. Then, you realize not everything is happy, there’s sad things happening you didn’t see before. Those clouds are about to release water all over, aren’t they?

Yep. Rain, thunder, wind, lightning. All at once. You may be in a tornado, but who knows, you’re so caught up in everything you can’t tell what’s going on, what’s real and what’s not.

Was anything I ever believed real? Was that a real experience? Was that a real feeling? Am I living in a dream?

Honestly, these are questions I ask myself on a daily basis after I get caught up with one thing that made me feel so invincible. And the sad thing is, I have NO IDEA how to answer them.

Because to this day, I have been disappointed or brought down by every single thing that has ever brought be a high or a joy. It’s either left, disintegrated, or been a figment of my imagination.

So would the best thing to be to find something invincible that I could use as my high? Like an alternate universe, where nothing bad could ever happen? I could play Sims for decades. But I wouldn’t feel anything.

The hard thing about this horrifying life is that there are so many downs, but there’s also ups. You just need to realize the difference between a high and an up. Because they are different. And when I say you need to realize the difference, I really mean I need to. 

I tweeted the other day “It’d be so much easier not having feelings.” And yeah, it sure would be. I could be a robot, typing this thing, with no emotion, just putting one robotic finger on the keyboard at a time, but that’s not really living. And I think in the past week I’ve learned a lot about that.

To be vulnerable is terrifying. Because you’re opening yourself up for sadness, for disappointment, for hurt. But you’re also opening yourself up for joy and happiness. There are places to be vulnerable and places to be closed off and it’s pretty damn hard trying to figure out which. I wish I had an app or some sort of device that I could take around with me and point at people or situations that told me it was okay to be vulnerable there, but that’d take away the entire idea of vulnerability.

Right now, I’m coming off a high, not an illegal one – no worries. But, I definitely think it’s good to get back to the reality of my life. There’s no point in faking what you’re feeling, because it’s going to come out eventually, whether in a totally appropriate and understandable way or in an explosive eruption.

So yeah, I’m just gonna sit with this feeling. And look at it, tell it I see it, but that’s it. I’m not gonna follow it anywhere dangerous. I let myself be vulnerable and it wound up biting me in the butt and now it’s gonna be harder next time someone asks me to be vulnerable with them because I’ll remember this feeling, but I still got to do it, don’t I?

Well… maybe not for awhile.

The little girl

Plaid jumper, white collar, perfect little ponytail, with a Powerpuff Girls backpack, walking into school with her older, smarter brother. First one in the room, take out the lunch that was packed, go sit down. Don’t speak to anyone. Not sure what they’ll do. Everyone is a threat.

But are they? Everyone comes in and they start talking to each other, they look like they’re having fun. But they’re poking each other, their shirts are untucked and that girl doesn’t look like she brushed her hair this morning. That’s not right. That’s not good.

Where are the nice kids? Oh, there they are, sitting quietly, reading books, talking to the teacher. It’d be best to go over there. They’d be proud if the little girl was smart. They’d be proud if the the little girl behaved herself. Maybe she’d be enough.

The little girl plays with the right people, she makes sure she spells every word right on the weekly spelling quizzes. She practices her multiplication every night. She must be the first to know them. They’d be proud if she was the first, wouldn’t they?

She messed up the elevens for multiplications.

“Those are the easiest, how’d you mess those up?”

Because, the little girl thinks, I’m not smart. I’m never going to be enough. But I’m going to try harder next time, I’ve got to be perfect. Then I’ll be enough. 

The little girl goes home. She doesn’t dare say she didn’t pass the elevens, that’s too embarrassing. She made such a stupid mistake, she would’ve done better if she was more like her brother. She would’ve been better if she were her brother.

She goes to school the next day with wet eyes. But she knows to tell everyone she just yawned or she’s very tired, the storm kept her up last night. She tells them the thunder kept her up. They don’t ask, but she tells the good kids, the kids who got through the elevens yesterday.

Little do they know, the little girl thinks, the thunder was me screaming at myself in my head, replaying that stupid mistake over and over, and the rain they heard at their house, with their perfect families, was me crying until I fell asleep because I can’t figure out how I’ll ever be good enough.

Oh, little girl. You don’t know. In a few years, it won’t matter that you forgot that 11 multiplied by 12 is 121. You’ll have a calculator on your phone, everything will be alright.

…..

But, little girl, it does matter that you cried. It matters because in several years, you’re still wondering why you mess up so often and fail everyone. Little girl, you still exist, don’t you? You’re still here.

 

I know, because I am you. I am you, little girl.

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