one year

It’s been a year since you. I don’t like that I’m writing this to you even though you don’t inhabit my life anymore. You’re not a part of me, but I can still sometimes feel you – like you’re somewhere watching. But the emotions I have when I think about you….they’re so confusing. It’s sad, it’s shock, it’s wondering, it’s furious. My life is different because of you.

I don’t know what would have happened if you didn’t come into my life and then absolutely destroy me a year ago. I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t brought me to my rock bottom, slipping into a girl who couldn’t even be alone for more than 10 minutes.

I called my friends relentlessly in those days after. I called Joey close to 20 times, Josey, my mom, my dad, my brother, Anthony. I called anyone I knew would be there for me. But that didn’t help when I was alone with my thoughts. ALL ALONE. But I’m stronger now and I cannot believe that I ever had those days where I didn’t think I could make it through it.

I’m not alone anymore, and you know that. But right now, this stupid f*cking week, I feel sad, lonely, confused – it’s back to like when we were together. I don’t understand why it’s like this because I’m with Nick and he’s sitting right next to me and he always will be if I need him. But yesterday I couldn’t shake the thoughts in my head, that it was YOU. I look back on our pictures and I’m just like, how the hell did I look happy???

I don”t know anymore what I want, but I know a lot more about what I don’t want. I have to leave though, go somewhere warm and it’s so bizarre to me that I think about that and wonder how far I will be from you…like am I scared or am I curious about why I was so attached to a human like you?

I refuse to believe that it has anything to do with any not-pursued feelings, because I just wouldn’t understand and God knows no one else would. It’s been 6 months since I saw you properly. Do you remember the last day? Do you remember the summer? Why did I humor those thoughts, those ideas that maybe we would be together again? Yikes.

One year since the night my life hit rock bottom, to when I thought I would never be loved again. Well, I am loved. By myself. By others and I’m lucky – now Lord help me to stop thinking about you and having feelings that make me second-guess any happiness and progress I’ve made.

 

To be continued..

 

Day 2 of this week…I’m at work and I don’t feel anything but love for my life and the people in it. I know it’s cliche and it’s stupid and annoying but my boyfriend is my best friend and I can tell him pretty much anything. I worry about telling him stuff about the past and about the shit you did because he doesn’t like to hear about my past..but I feel like it is important and like I should be telling someone.

There’s thoughts inside of me that I want to share but I just don’t know how and I don’t know who to tell. It’s frustrating and I’m mad at myself, but it’s all gonna be okay. So yeah, that’s it.

Feeling anxious about the future, lucky in my current life and tired..just because I’m tired.

 

February 7, twenty eighteen

Today I feel like I saw you, but I’m not even sure if I did. But all day I’ve been thinking about you. And now I’m listening to Black Sun by Death Cab for a Cutie and you’re in every line. WHY? Why can’t you just go away? You f*cking SUCK. We were soooo unhappy, like holy crap hahaha it makes me want to laugh in your f*cking cruel laugh whe you looked at me and said “you’re a crazy bitch.” Why am I laughing that you said that? BECAUSE YOU’RE A JOKE!!! YOU’RE THE WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. okay sorry i know i’m being super overreactive especially for a year out so i’m typing in lowercase to appease for my outburst. But for real, like my aggressively angry side just came out and that was the first emotion I felt after. Well that and fear and sadness and aching and confusion and desperation but ya know, it’s in there.

 

Burning House by Cam

“Tryna take what’s lost and broke and make it right” lyrics that were about you and me.

-M

 

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When the worst happens

So. I just posted yesterday about how happy I am. I’m still deep down happy, but there’s a cloud over my head. I’m unfortunately about to lose someone who I love very much.

This isn’t the first loved one I’ve lost, but it’s most likely going to be the hardest, since I was younger when the others passed on. And my grandpa and I have always had a unique, strong bond.

My grandfather, my Papa, my jaybird suffered a debilitating stroke a week before Christmas this past year. And doctors just let us know that he has a little more than a week left to live. That news is crushing and it’s breaking my heart.

So I’m trying to be as proactive as I can be and starting to seek out resources for my family and myself to deal with the death of our beloved Papa. I’m sure nothing will dull the pain except time, but hopefully there’s something productive I can do with my pain.

As I find ideas and resources, I will post helpful ones here, in case someone else needs them.

Please, please keep my Papa in your prayers as he passes on, as well as my family. It’s greatly appreciated.

Love to all,

Meg

A beautiful update of my life

Hello world, it’s been awhile! I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve reached out, but I’ve been working pretty hard on myself & have made some great leaps – if I do say so myself 😉

I’ve been fortunate enough to have had a breakthrough summer, though I’ve worked a lot – like at my job – I’ve still been able to develop theories, think about future plans, nurture my mind, read so many good books & spend time with people who love me for me – who I’m happy to say includes myself.

In a week, I go back to school for the very last time, that’s pretty freaky to think about, I have to grow up (partially) some time. But I’ve been looking forward to getting back into the groove, cooking for myself – healthy recipes – getting organized, printing out cute little prints to hang up and make it feel like home.

I guess I’ve learned a lot since I began my working on the idea of loving myself and being happy with the life I’ve been given.

At first I would search “How to love myself,” and there’d be a bunch of different blog posts. Some helpful, some not, but I saw one that caught my eye. It was called  7 Beautiful Things That Happen When You Fall in Love with Yourself. I never thought of it that way. I always thought you fell in love with a boy & you date & then you either break up or get married. That’s all fine & dandy, but I like being in love with someone that’s never going to leave.

It said that you’ll start to enjoy everyday life more & you’ll give yourself more credit & more value. I can honestly say that I am now sure that I’m worth a good amount. I’m not bragging or saying how great I am, cause I know I’m not the smartest, prettiest, bravest in any room, but I know that I have a big heart & that’s worth a lot.

You see, I would always tell people that I was happy, I loved myself & I valued myself – but that was a whopping lie. I wasn’t happy – I was existing. I didn’t love myself – I would self-hate regularly. I didn’t value myself – I settled for a lot of things I shouldn’t have & that’s because I didn’t think I deserved anything more.

But screw that. This is my life & I’m gonna make it good for me. I’m going to continue to do things that make me happy – read, hang out with people I love, exercise, cook, write, hang out in my hammock. I’m going to keep loving myself, cause who else is going to? Valuing myself has been the toughest one for me to enact – but I think it’s shining through in my assertiveness for what I want/don’t want & demanding respect from people, instead of giving in to manipulative behavior & bending over backwards to ensure happiness for someone else who should be making choices for themselves that will make them happy.

So all in all, it’s been one heck of a summer. It started out pretty rough, but got better & better – especially because my brother married a wonderful girl who will be a wonderful older sister to me (& already has been) & I realized how much value I have, plus how much freedom is worth – worth a lot, btw.

There are so so so many things I want to do, my to-do list is extremely long, but I’ve got a lot more years to use so I can actually make an impact. Maybe it won’t be huge – I’d like if it was – but if I change a few things for the better, that’s all I need. I’m sure whatever happens will be part of God’s plan, so I’ll just wait & see.

If you’ve read to this point: you’re the best. I hope your summer has been as enlightening as mine & you love yourself as much as you deserve to. You should – it’s great!

Stay beautiful loves,

Meg

Thoughts come into my head

Why wait for someone who doesn’t realize your value? Because you don’t value yourself.

This isn’t a hard question to answer, but it could be a hard question to realize you need to ask yourself.

There’s no love anymore, there’s no connection. So why hang on? I’m not, I think I’m going through the motions.

I don’t have anything inside of me right now to give to anyone else, I also don’t have anything to connect to someone with. There’s no tether. There’s nothing to tether to, it’s just a void and I hate it.

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

Get to the point where if one person leaves your life – usually for the best – that it doesn’t turn your entire existence upside down. Rely on yourself, that’s it. You can only trust yourself for what you decide to do, anything anyone else does – regardless of what they say they’re going to do – is up to them. Unless they prove themselves trustworthy and dependable, trust no one. Be your own sunshine, be your own rock, make yourself into the person you want to be on your own terms and through no assistance of others besides letting them show you what to do and what not to do.

The Unknown —> The Known

It’s been awhile since I’ve written – mostly because there’s just a lot going on, a lot not going on, a lot of things I want to change, a lot of things I want to do and don’t have the energy to.

But today is the beginning of something new. I’m starting a summer class tonight through Indiana University and I’m hoping to get back into a routine. My goals have been scattered, but not nearly as scattered as my life.

I haven’t a clue right now what I want to do after I graduate school, which is awfully terrifying. Luckily I have almost a year to figure that out, but it’s frightening to see people just a little older than me getting jobs and starting their careers. To think that could be me and will be me, it’s almost unfathomable.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what would make me feel fulfilled in this life and I know I have told many people I would like to be a flight attendant, but really, I don’t think that would be putting my talents to the best use. Sure, I’m friendly and I absolutely love flying, but I cannot stop thinking about going somewhere abroad and helping in a third-world country.

However, with my diabetes, I’m really not sure how possible that would be, and I completely understand that it would worry my family. An idea I’ve been thinking about is how I can help those with diabetes who don’t have good enough healthcare to receive the help they need to get the supplies that will help them have a longer and healthier life.

It sounds like a lot to take on, it sounds like something that would drain my bank account, but would fill my heart. Ever since people have asked me what I want to do with my life, what my goals are, I’ve always said: I’ll be happy if I can affect one person’s life in a positive way.

Well, past Meg, that’s a lovely sentiment, but you are more capable than that. And I know that I am. So, I’m done with making wimpy goals (not that it’s really that wimpy), because this life is a one time thing.

So I guess, now I know that I need to start planning and thinking and recruiting and researching and WOW those words sound pretty boring, but hopefully when it’s for something that can fill your entire heart up, it will become something I will look forward to.

And yes, I do still have about a year left of school left, yes I’ve made some pretty big mistakes in the past six months or so and I keep telling God I’m sorry, and keep begging him to help me find guidance.

So I know this might be a stretch, but I was just laying on the floor holding my pup’s paw and I thought, “I haven’t written anything in awhile.” And now I started writing and I literally came up with this idea and this purpose while writing this. So maybe God told me to write, maybe he’s been waiting for me to write. Maybe he had nothing to do with it.

He’s probably pretty upset with me because I’ve not been on my best behavior, but I just want to make my parents proud, my brother, my dog, my friends, God – if he’s there (I sincerely hope/think he might be). And as selfish as this is going to sound – I want to make myself proud.

I’ve come quite aways from a few months ago – in terms of loving/liking myself and valuing who I am and what I deserve from others and from myself. And I know I shouldn’t sell myself short.

So yes, while now I will be finishing my education, starting a summer job, I’m going to use my free time to start to form a plan, to get my priorities intact. And while that probably doesn’t sound fun to most 21-year-olds, I’m not really interested in “fun” right now, I’m more interested in something fulfilling. My goal isn’t fun, fun comes along with spending time with the people I love.

This post changed into something I had no idea it would, but I’m thrilled. I feel a lot better, which is bizarre, but I’m excited now.

I don’t know if there’s anyone that has read all the way, but if you have and you have any ideas about what I could do, places I could research, things like that, please reach out to me.

Text me, call me, email me – 317-656-1652 / welchm6@udayton.edu.

With so much love and excitement,

Meg 🙂

A Goodbye to the Old

Before I start to write this, I would like to make a disclaimer that I’m not judging anyone or saying what I’m doing is the way to go, it’s just what I’ve decided is best for me. 



Since I’ve been out of school for a couple months, I’ve adjusted (not saying well or not) to the non-college lifestyle. I’m no longer waiting for the weekends to go get completely trashed or sleep in until noon, which isn’t what I did all the time but some of the time. I’m not spending time when I’m out with friends trying to get the perfect picture to post on Insta to show people how fun I am and how awesome my life is.

I’m certainly not saying everyone in college does this, but I know that some do. I know that people at my school drink more than most. And I know they get caught up in drinking as much as possible in as short amount of time as possible. Because I did that. And I did it because that’s what everyone else was doing. Whoops.

A lot of people probably love doing that Thursday-Saturday, drinking themselves into oblivion, or just until they have a good buzz, but when I look at Snapchat stories of the life I used to live, I’m not envious. I thought I would be. In fact, on St. Paddy’s day, which is the biggest day at my school, I promised myself I wouldn’t get on Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook because I thought I would get sad that I wasn’t there.

But the strangest thing happened. I didn’t care. I looked and I thought, I did that last year, it wasn’t that great. For some of my friends, it’s something they look forward to all year, and that was me freshman year, but at this point I feel like I don’t have it in me to do that. I’m sure I’m growing up faster because I did stupid stupid stuff in a very condensed period of time, but maybe that’s okay.

Maybe being a screw-up for the first 2.5 years of college led me to where I’m supposed to be and where I’m going to be happy. Because I know that when I go back, the student body isn’t going to be in the same mindset as me, they’re not going to know what I know and what I’ve been through – just like I don’t know what they have been through.

So I’m saying goodbye to the past few years. I’m saying goodbye to forming friendships based on Smirnoff and Miller Lite. I’m saying goodbye to judging anyone for anything they do. I’m saying goodbye to going in with a “nope” attitude.

It’s easy to say these things when I’m 100 miles away from school, from all of those decisions, but I’m hoping for support from myself and my friends and family. I’m hoping to try new things that I didn’t get to.

Because I’m young, I really am. And if I don’t do things I want to do now (go to Spain, camp on the beach, write a book, ride a train along the Pacific Coast) when am I going to do it? And I can’t focus on those goals and focus on really living if I’m caught up in being what everyone else is.

So goodbye to the old “me,” who tried to be what everyone wanted me to be, and hello to genuine me, who’s maybe a bit too ambitious for her own good, it’s really nice to meet you.

 

Have a great, safe weekend everyone! 🙂

Save myself

In the past few weeks, I was improving. I was smiling more and doing things that would make me happy. I was taking care of my body, taking care of my relationships with people. I was finding ways to bring joy to myself. I thought I was well on my way to healthier mindset and life.

But I hit a bump in the road. And it’s all unraveled since then. I’m regressing to wanting to hide from everything. I’m hoping to go away and not hurt anyone anymore. Because it seems that’s all I’m good for. I try to do the right things, and I’d say 95% of the time I do the right thing. But the 5% is where I falter.

I’m logical enough to know that 95% of the time is a good chunk of time and I should be proud of myself. But I’m not. Because I’m too focused on when I messed everything up. Some things are traumatic, some things will set you back to where you were, and this is one of those times.

I have called myself the worst names in the past 24 hours: stupid, bitch, idiot, worthless, no-good. I’ve told myself I have ruined everything, that people would be better off without me in their lives.

And I’ve been told by most of my close friends, my family that everyone makes mistakes and no one is dead, no one is hurt. But I’m hurt. I’m hurt because I can’t forgive myself for anything.

I’ve been taught skills for this situation. Think about if one of your good friends made a huge mistake and they feel horrible and don’t know how to move forward. What would I do? I would go tell them they messed up, yeah, but it’s over. And it’s all going to be okay, you just need to learn from this.

So why is it so hard for me to accept that I make mistakes too? When I’m a person too and I’m supposed to be my own best friend, I have to accept myself. But I have to remind myself to trust my gut. And I have to give myself the love I want to give everyone else.

In one of Ed Sheeran’s new songs, “Save Myself,” he talked about how he gave every single thing from himself to save someone else and how in the end he was just empty because he wasn’t really in a spot to save someone else, when he wasn’t saved himself.

And that’s my problem. I know exactly what my problem is, I just need to do work to make me the priority, when I could get seriously hurt. If I continue to hate myself, I will just be unhappy, and really I’m on this whole journey to be happy with who I am and happy about how I treat others.

First step is awareness – I messed up and I know I did. So that’s a good place to start, but I really need to lay down and think about all of the reasons that I should be thankful for my life and thankful for me being who I am. I just need to not do so much for others (as selfish as that sounds) and do more to ensure my own happiness.

It might sound selfish, but if you bare with me through the selfish time, my cup will be full enough that I will be able to help and make this world a better place than if I was using a half full cup and giving someone else everything in there.


A little side note on this too. If someone you love messed up big time, and put themselves and others at risk and they feel so remorseful already and they’ve apologized, don’t continue to tell them that they messed up. Tell them, it’s important to realize you messed up and that you learned from it. But I am here to support you. Those are the words I received from most of my friends – supportive and loving. Others basically said I couldn’t be in their life anymore. And ya know what? That’s shitty. What kind of a friend does that? When they know you’re in need of some support and you are already kicking yourself, that’s a person you should distance yourself from immediately. Because you deserve better. And so do I. I know how others are supposed to treat me now, but I’m still working on how to treat myself. And I’m excited for the moment it hits me that I do deserve to be my best friend, supportive as all get out.

 

Where Do I Belong?

I used to know where I would go at the end of the day. I used to know who I would turn to in a struggle. I used to know what I wanted to do with my life. I used to know where I belonged.

But now I have no clue. 

My parents would say I belong at home with them. I do, in one sense, but in another, I don’t think I do. And I don’t even know where home is anymore. Because home used to be a person for me. It used to be the arms that would wrap around me when I was scared, tired, joyful, or anywhere in between.

But those arms aren’t home anymore. And maybe that’s why I’m confused, but I think it runs deeper than that. I can’t think of a single time in my life, besides in those arms, that I’ve felt like I truly belonged.

Yes, I’ve felt comfortable, I’ve felt happy, but there’s a difference between feeling welcomed and belonging. Belonging means you were built to be there, you were formed in a way that you would fit wherever it is that you belong.

I can’t only belong there, because I am no longer welcome there. 

But I don’t want to need to belong somewhere, I don’t want to force myself into a place I don’t belong. My family is a place that has always been comforting, they’ve been home and in a way they still are. But, I know there must be somewhere else I’m supposed to be.

How do I get there? 

I’m not sure. And that’s what’s so awful. And that’s why I get scared. Because I want to belong somewhere again. There’s no better feeling than knowing where you feel so loved, knowing where you want to spend your time, knowing where you want to start and end the day.

But does it have to be a person where you belong? I’d like to think it doesn’t. Because I would like to be able to go to a different place than a person, whether it’s a church, a little shack on the Pacific coast, or wherever. I just know I crave a place to belong.

As an optimist, I think I’ll be able to tell when I reach that place. Maybe it’s the journey, like all of those motivational posters say, “It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey.” I hope when I get to the place, the person, the mindset, I can tell. I could tell before. I could tell it was where I belonged, but I screwed that up. I pray to God that one person doesn’t have just one place they belong in their life. Maybe one place they belong at one time and then they move on and belong somewhere else.

As an impatient girl, I am begging to find that place. And God is probably up there laughing at me, in a kind way, saying, “Megan, you’ll get there, I know where you’re supposed to be, but you just have to wait a little longer.”

Hey God, if you’re up there reading this on your iPad or whatever it is you use up there, could you give me more patience? Thanks pal.

The blessing I’ve taken away from all of my screw-ups is that now I know what belonging feels like. I know what love is, and I know that there’s a lot of different types of loves and levels, but I do know what it feels like within my heart.

If you love someone, you want them to be happy no matter what. No matter if you cause that happiness or not, you want them to be happy. And that can hurt like hell, knowing they’re happier without you, but there’s a bigger part of you that’s smiling because you love them and you want them to have joy.

But maybe I could love someone that I can keep and belong to? Maybe that’s asking too much. I just want to belong somewhere, and that definitely means I have to do more work. I need to get out there, find a shack, find something. It’s all about getting out into the world to be able to find that little niche.

I just hope it’s soon, because it seems like so many people have found where they belong for the rest of their lives, and God I want that so badly. Maybe I’ve already found that place, maybe I haven’t, I just need some guidance.

For now, all I know, is that I belong to myself. And hopefully for awhile, that’ll be good enough. 

 

An Updated List of My Songs

Updated March 27, 2017

Three Empty Words – Shawn Mendes

Updated March 14, 2017

Impossible – James Arthur

Cheater – The Vamps

Blue Ain’t Your Color – Keith Urban

It Don’t Hurt Like It Used To – Billy Currington

Grand Piano – Nicki Minaj

Issues – Julia Michaels

Jesse – Carly Simon

March 11, 2017

Liability – Lorde

Better Man – Little Big Town

Happier – Ed Sheeran

Dive – Ed Sheeran

Technically Single – Taylor Buono

I Can’t Stop Drinking About You – Bebe Rexha

Try – Colbie Callat

Green Light – Lorde

 

 

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