It’s been a year since you. I don’t like that I’m writing this to you even though you don’t inhabit my life anymore. You’re not a part of me, but I can still sometimes feel you – like you’re somewhere watching. But the emotions I have when I think about you….they’re so confusing. It’s sad, it’s shock, it’s wondering, it’s furious. My life is different because of you.
I don’t know what would have happened if you didn’t come into my life and then absolutely destroy me a year ago. I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t brought me to my rock bottom, slipping into a girl who couldn’t even be alone for more than 10 minutes.
I called my friends relentlessly in those days after. I called Joey close to 20 times, Josey, my mom, my dad, my brother, Anthony. I called anyone I knew would be there for me. But that didn’t help when I was alone with my thoughts. ALL ALONE. But I’m stronger now and I cannot believe that I ever had those days where I didn’t think I could make it through it.
I’m not alone anymore, and you know that. But right now, this stupid f*cking week, I feel sad, lonely, confused – it’s back to like when we were together. I don’t understand why it’s like this because I’m with Nick and he’s sitting right next to me and he always will be if I need him. But yesterday I couldn’t shake the thoughts in my head, that it was YOU. I look back on our pictures and I’m just like, how the hell did I look happy???
I don”t know anymore what I want, but I know a lot more about what I don’t want. I have to leave though, go somewhere warm and it’s so bizarre to me that I think about that and wonder how far I will be from you…like am I scared or am I curious about why I was so attached to a human like you?
I refuse to believe that it has anything to do with any not-pursued feelings, because I just wouldn’t understand and God knows no one else would. It’s been 6 months since I saw you properly. Do you remember the last day? Do you remember the summer? Why did I humor those thoughts, those ideas that maybe we would be together again? Yikes.
One year since the night my life hit rock bottom, to when I thought I would never be loved again. Well, I am loved. By myself. By others and I’m lucky – now Lord help me to stop thinking about you and having feelings that make me second-guess any happiness and progress I’ve made.
To be continued..
Day 2 of this week…I’m at work and I don’t feel anything but love for my life and the people in it. I know it’s cliche and it’s stupid and annoying but my boyfriend is my best friend and I can tell him pretty much anything. I worry about telling him stuff about the past and about the shit you did because he doesn’t like to hear about my past..but I feel like it is important and like I should be telling someone.
There’s thoughts inside of me that I want to share but I just don’t know how and I don’t know who to tell. It’s frustrating and I’m mad at myself, but it’s all gonna be okay. So yeah, that’s it.
Feeling anxious about the future, lucky in my current life and tired..just because I’m tired.
February 7, twenty eighteen
Today I feel like I saw you, but I’m not even sure if I did. But all day I’ve been thinking about you. And now I’m listening to Black Sun by Death Cab for a Cutie and you’re in every line. WHY? Why can’t you just go away? You f*cking SUCK. We were soooo unhappy, like holy crap hahaha it makes me want to laugh in your f*cking cruel laugh whe you looked at me and said “you’re a crazy bitch.” Why am I laughing that you said that? BECAUSE YOU’RE A JOKE!!! YOU’RE THE WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. okay sorry i know i’m being super overreactive especially for a year out so i’m typing in lowercase to appease for my outburst. But for real, like my aggressively angry side just came out and that was the first emotion I felt after. Well that and fear and sadness and aching and confusion and desperation but ya know, it’s in there.
Burning House by Cam
“Tryna take what’s lost and broke and make it right” lyrics that were about you and me.